Strengths and Weaknesses
by Janine1
Summary: An Alternative version of Red Dwarf. What would have heppened if Rimmer wasn't such a smeg head and someome fell in love with him. Its sweet.
1. The first day

Strengths and Weaknesses  
  
PG-13  
  
  
  
A/N: I didn't want to post this at first, but Starfruit wanted me too. This was originally about me, but it just didn't really work, so I made it about Jen. Jen is kind of like me, but I am not as shy as she it. All the red Dwarf characters belong to BBC, but Jen belongs to me. This story is basically just an alternative version of Red Dwarf. Basically what could have happened if Rimmer wasn't such a smeg head (No offence, I still luv him that way, lol)  
  
This is dedicated to Chris Barrie, and Starfruit  
  
**Entry in the diary of Jen Moore**  
  
I need a life. I'm a nothing. This proves it. I am aboard a starship. Its as big as a city, but it seems to be the only place I can be left alone. Get this, I am a technician. That's as low as it gets. I couldn't get a better job aboard, so I am stuck fixing vending machines. My new room is dirty as hell. They obviously don't care very much for the quarters of the lowly technicians here.  
  
Its alright. I am satisfied. Anything is an improvement to the pain, rejection, and loneliness of home back on earth. Still, something tells me this place may be as unforgiving as home, and I may end up making the same mistake as I have everywhere else.  
  
  
  
~  
  
It was the first day of work. Jen was on Z shift. She had no idea where to go or what to do. She stared at the small slip of paper telling her where ,what, and when her job was. Still, it wasn't very informative at all. Jen wondered around, afraid of being late on her first day, but she had no idea where she was or where she was going. There was nobody around to tell her where to go. The ship was as big as a city.  
  
Jen could hear something in the distance… humming. Someone was there. Jen needed directions. She walked along the long corridors of the lonely feeling ship until she could see a face. A tall man wearing a uniform. Jen had no idea who he could be. Shyly, she walked over to him. "excuse me, sir…"  
  
It seemed to take the man awhile to realize she was talking to him. He looked up. He was a little bit startled. "Yes?" he answered, shyly.  
  
Jen took a deep breath. "I was wondering if you could tell me where unit Z76 is?" Jen asked. She kept her voice low. She was afraid to look the man in the eye. She was afraid to look almost anybody in the eye, especially men. She was afraid of them ever since what had happened to her years ago. It was something you could not get over.  
  
"ahh yes" Began the man. Jen noticed his wardrobe. A technician uniform much like her own. "That's where I am headed."  
  
"are you on Z shift?" Jen asked.  
  
"I lead Z shift." He sounded slightly proud of it, yet slightly ashamed at the same time.  
  
Jen smiled. She wondered if this man could be a potential friend for her or not. If he was her shift leader, she would obviously see a lot of him.  
  
The man stepped onto the lift and held the door for her. Jen cautiously got on. No one else was around. The door closed. They were alone. Jen noticed her name tag. "Arnold Rimmer, second technician" She looked down at her own saying "Jennifer Moore, third technician". Jen noticed a mirror on the wall of the lift. She didn't want to look in, but what choice did she have? It took up half the lift. She looked at herself, noticing every little flaw possible. She even noticed some that weren't there at all. 'there is no way this man will want anything to do with someone as ugly as me.' Jen thought to herself.  
  
Jen wasn't nearly as ugly as she thought she was, but could never get that through her head. She used to be obese. She had become anorexic when she was 16. She had spent time in the hospital. She was now quite skinny and weak, even after overcoming the disease . She had never ever been comfortable with her appearance. She looked different then every body else. Her face was a different shape, she was short, everything possible that someone could notice about themselves, she did.  
  
The lift stopped and She and Rimmer got out. She followed him into the unit they were in. The first thing Jen noticed was… they were all men! She suddenly felt very anxious. Not a single woman in the room. All of them staring at her. Suddenly she felt terrified. Almost as terrified as when it had first happened. They all looked like the kind of men who would do that kind of thing.  
  
Rimmer looked her in the eye. His gaze made her feel a little better. She finally got up the courage to come in and sit down. She just had to keep telling herself "That was a long time ago, not all men are like that."  
  
Jen sat in the back away from everyone. A few men looked back and eyed her. That didn't help anything. Rimmer began to speak. He welcomed everyone to Z shift. He explained about the tools, the time and all the basics. Jen noticed something odd about the speech. Rimmer used a lot of silence in his speech. No one seemed to understand what it was for, but Jen did. She thought it was creative and professional. Besides the fact that every time he paused, someone would laugh and quietly crack a joke, the silence spoke almost as loud as the speech. Sure, all it was was a speech about being a technician and everything, but Rimmer was pretty good at making speeches.  
  
"Alright Fellas', Lets Get to work." Said Rimmer. He began to assign everyone jobs. Jen began to freak out again. What if she was stuck alone with one of these scary men? Rimmer looked at his clip board. "Moore, you will be with me today."  
  
Jen smiled. She wouldn't be stuck with anyone scary. She would be with Rimmer. Sure, she didn't know Rimmer well at all, but for some reason, she felt safe near him. Not like she felt with anyone else. When she was around other men, she felt like running out of the room screaming.  
  
Everyone got up and began to leave. Jen walked over to Rimmer. She smiled a little bit. She normally didn't smile, but it seemed like the right thing to do.  
  
Things started out quiet. Just then occasional "Pass me the Wrench"  
  
~~  
  
A/N: Like this? May take me a little while to have the next chapter. I have to work on Out Of Time, too! 


	2. Him

***Entry in the Diary of Jen Moore***  
  
Work was curious yesterday. Not nearly as terrible as I thought, but I'm not saying it was perfect. I met someone… His name is Rimmer. Arnold Rimmer. I don't know what it is, but he seems different then everyone else. I am not sure about this, but I think he may have been trying to impress me. Probably not, I mean why would anybody want to do that? I'm scum. I'm dirt. I'm nothing. Even if there is something different about this guy, he'll find out who I am and hate me like the rest. I'll be a joke to him  
  
  
  
Jen threw down her pen. It was useless. No one would ever love her. Nobody even liked her. Jen hated rejection, yet she got it all the time. A tear streamed down her cheek. She laid down on her bunk holding her diary. Pretty much every entry had a put down to herself of some sort. Not even she liked herself. Jen threw the diary across the room. It hit the wall and fell on the ground.  
  
Jen heard foot steps. It was probably her room mate. Jen quickly tried to wipe her tears away. She didn't want her new room mate to see her cry. There was a knock at the door. Strange, her room mate never knocked. She was in the room first, she didn't have to. It was pretty much her room. "Come in"  
  
The metal doors opened. In the doorway he stood. It was Rimmer! Jen's eyes widened. 'what is he doing in my quarters?' she wondered. Suddenly she noticed how obvious it must have been that she had been crying. She began to feel mortified.  
  
  
  
At The sight of her tears, Rimmer was as Embarrassed as Jen. What could possibly be the matter? Rimmer was never good around tears. He could never say the right thing. Jen seemed to be the only woman he knew who didn't want to puke at the sight of him. That wouldn't be true for long and he knew it.  
  
  
  
Jen suddenly noticed the awkward silence. That didn't help her embarrassment one bit. "I'm sorry… please, come in." She managed to say.  
  
Rimmer nervously took some small steps in. He began to fidget and look at the ground. "I'm sorry if I was… interrupting something."  
  
"No, its fine." Now Jen couldn't look him in the eye. Strange things happened when she did. Things she didn't like. Things she wasn't used to. Her heart would beat faster, she couldn't remember what to say, it just wasn't good. But then again, it felt nice in a way. 'SHUT UP BRAIN, SHUT UP!' Jen urged herself.  
  
"I…I just came to tell you I am starting the shift 30 minutes early tomorrow…so…so"  
  
Jen managed to smile. She couldn't tell if it really looked like a smile or not, but it was an attempt.  
  
Rimmer smiled, too. That made Jen feel better.  
  
  
  
'Arnie, look at her, she looks upset. Now's my chance, I should say something… but what? I know, I'll ask her what's wrong… wait, she may not want to tell me, I know… I'll ask there if there is anything I can do… no, that sounds corny…' Rimmer argued in his mind. Finally he came up with. "Jennifer , is…is something wrong? It there anything I can do?"  
  
  
  
He was sweet. He didn't just want to rush out of the room at the sight of her tears, or even worse, laugh at her. He didn't do that at all. He seemed… concerned! That was much more then she got from most people. He actually seemed to…care.  
  
It was obvious Jen wasn't loved very much as a child. Parents split up when she was 6. They had a hard time deciding who got custody over her. She ended up just switching off over the weekends. At school she was a loner. She never got a boyfriend, she never had good friends. She was always made fun of for the way she looked. Sure, she wasn't ugly now, but she had been before. Or at least she always was in her mind, and the minds of the other kids at school. It wasn't even like she was focusing her energy on something else, she never got good grades, and she really wasn't good at anything. Even now, she was lower then everybody. She was a third technician. That meant pretty much third class scum! She often got rude looks from the crew, and she had only been here a few days! The only one so far who didn't was… Rimmer. That meant a lot to her, and he didn't even know it. He was probably just trying to be polite, but Jen was grateful for it. Otherwise she would have gone mad. There was only so much rejection one person could take! Jen couldn't think of what to say to him. Should she lie and say everything is fine, or should she spill what was wrong. She always had a bad habit of spilling her personal feelings to anyone who would listen. Often it lead to them using it against her. Jen knew Arnold probably wouldn't do that to her, but it just didn't seem like a good idea to let her feeling out now, or he might think she was a freak. "I'll be ok, thanks."  
  
Rimmer attempted a smile. "You feel better. I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Once he was out of sight. Jen walked across her room and fetched her diary and pen. She wrote another entry in her diary. This was a short one. A three worder. All she wrote was "I LIKE HIM"  
  
  
  
  
  
Jen got ready for work the next morning. She felt the need to do her hair a little better then usual. She spent a lot more time in the mirror this morning trying to just accept the image that stared back at her, but it wasn't easy for her. Finally she was as satisfied as she could be in the short amount of time she had. If she had spent any more time looking in the mirror she would have been late for her work, and she wanted to go today.  
  
"Hello Gentlemen, and Jennifer… I've called you here early because 62 vending machines need to be re stocked, and we can't re stock that many in a normal work day. We certainly have our work cut out for us. Get on then, get stocking. Chop chop!" Said Rimmer. Jen kind of felt sorry for him, because after his little speech, about half the room was imitating him using fake accents. Sure his accent was really strong, and being from America on earth, she wasn't used to it, but she liked it. It made him different, unique. She didn't like people who tried to be the same as everyone else. Rimmer sure as hell wasn't one of those kind of people. He seemed to be very dedicated to his career, even though all he was was a second technician.  
  
Rimmer had a list of the pairings for the day, and who would fix what vending machines. Jen skimmed for her name, There it was… She was with Rimmer again! Could that be a coincidence? What could it mean?  
  
  
  
  
  
Jen stood next to Rimmer handing him food items from a cart to re stock the vending machines with, They were both silent. Jen broke the silence by asking a question she had been wondering for some time now. "Arnold, do you like being a technician?"  
  
Rimmer sighed. "No, not really."  
  
That was what she expected. She didn't like it much so far. Someone would have to be crazy to want to do this. "Well, what do you want to do?"  
  
"What do I want to do? I want, more then anything, to be an officer." Rimmer replied, with his head in the vending machine.  
  
"That's…That's what I want to." Said Jen quietly.  
  
Rimmer took his head out of the vending machine and looked at her. There eyes met.  
  
Jen continued, "I just want to be something for once. I am tired of all the rejection. I want to be someone important. I want to make things happen for myself. I want to be something instead of the…nothing that I am." There she want, spilling her personal feeling to him. She suddenly got embarrassed. Why had she just said that? "Sorry" She apologized.  
  
"Sorry for what?" He asked. He actually sounded like he cared, It was deep. Not sarcastic.  
  
"I am sure you don't want to listen to me go on like that." She looked down at the ground.  
  
"That's really how you feel?" He asked.  
  
Jen nodded shyly.  
  
"wow" He said softy. That was curious… Jen looked at him again. Once again their eyes met.  
  
"I…I've never met someone who… feels the same as I do." Said Rimmer. Now he looked very shy now.  
  
"Neither have I" Said Jen. There was a long silence. Rimmer was the one to break that silence.  
  
"Well, there are a lot of vending machines to re stock. We had better get to work." He didn't sound as perky and annoyed as usual. Jen wondered if that was her doing. She also wondered why this guy wasn't totally sick of her yet. 


	3. The Invitation

A/N: I may be doing things slightly out of order. So sue me!  
  
  
  
***Entry in the diary of Jen Moore***  
  
Is it remotely possible that I am more then scum? I don't really think so. I've based my entire life around that thought. That sounds a lot like me. Basing my life around an entirely wrong myth. That's ironically funny. Well, back to the point I was trying to make. Arnold makes me feel like more then scum if that's possible. Half the time I have no idea what to say to him, the other half I am totally confidant in what I am saying. Neither of those are very often occurrences. Me and Arnold share some of the same hopes and dreams. He told me he wanted to become an officer, too. Pretty much for the same reasons as me. Was he just trying to impress me? Why would he? He doesn't have to, I already am impressed! Doesn't take that much to impress scum like me. He's my superior. Him and everyone else in the universe. Maybe I should stop this whole diary thing. It never makes me feel better. Just worse. Well, that figures. Its just a tradition with me to write in this stupid thing I guess. It's a tradition I couldn't possibly end!  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
Rimmer strolled out of his quarters feeling like a king. That letter would change his life! He had been invited to the captain's table! ITHE CAPTAIN'S TABLE!!!!!/I This was the first step in his career! That one night, two weeks from now could either make or break his career. Only one problem. The letter said to bring a "Partner" Rimmer didn't have a "Partner". He didn't know any women well enough. The only ones he really did know thought he was a prat. He could always call the escort service and get a beautiful woman to pretend to be going out with him, but that was very costly.  
  
There was another option… He could invite Jennifer. She was the only one who possibly might be willing to do it. How the hell was he going to work up the courage to do that?  
  
Rimmer thought about it and realized he had three options: blow 3 months pay on a beautiful woman who would pretend to be crazy about him, Invite Jennifer and go as just friends, or not go at all.  
  
Rimmer knew the third wasn't an option. He was going if it was the last thing he ever did! Rimmer knew he couldn't take his chances on the first one, it was bound to go horribly wrong! He would have to invite Jennifer. He wanted to, really badly! He liked her. The only problem was, she probably didn't like him.  
  
~  
  
Once again, Jen was chosen to work with Rimmer. Jen knew this was no coincidence. People were beginning to wonder why she was being chosen, not that any of them wanted to be alone with Rimmer. To the guys in Z shift, the idea seemed like hell.  
  
Jen personally didn't want to spend time alone with any of them, so she was grateful for Rimmer.  
  
Rimmer opened a chicken soup machine and began to clean it. "Jennifer, I have to ask you a favor."  
  
"What is it?" Jen asked, showing him a smile.  
  
"I know this is rather strange of me to ask…but… I was… you see… I was invited to the captain's table for dinner next Friday, and the invitation clearly stated that I was to bring a 'partner'… and since I don't exactly have one… I was wondering, maybe you would like to come. I mean… we would just go as friends. No pressure. I won't be hurt if you say no."  
  
Jen was speechless. Rimmer had just invited her to the captain's table! This had to mean something… maybe not… "Sure, Arnold. I'd love to."  
  
"You will? Oh thank you! Um… we are stopping off on Miranda, I can take you to buy a dress if you need to…" Rimmer offered.  
  
Jen smiled. "I already have one, but thank you."  
  
Rimmer smiled. "Thanks Jen, I really owe you one." He said, and went back to cleaning the soup machine.  
  
~  
  
Later that evening, Jen went through her closet to look for her dress. It wasn't extremely formal, but it was pretty. It was light blue. It went down to her knees. It was a spaghetti strap, and revealed most of her back. There were a couple of ties down the back, It was stylish, yet elegant and simple. The dress sparkled under the lighting of her quarters as she held it up to her body. She hoped it was the right sort of thing to wear. Even if it wasn't, she didn't want Rimmer wasting money on her. Jen wondered if she had the body to fit into the dress, she had to diet for weeks before she was able to wear it last. She never ate very much, so she figured she would probably be ok, but just to be on the safe side, she decided she would diet until the "big night"  
  
Jen wondered to herself if Rimmer had invited her because he liked her, or just because no one else would go with him. She was okay with it either way. She was pretty used to being used. It was almost like it didn't even hurt her anymore.  
  
Jen was probably one of the most forgiving people you could ever meet. Someone could do anything to her, and as long as they said they were sorry, she would always forgive them. Being this was flexible was the only way Jen could really get along with people, and keep relationships with friends who really didn't deserve her kindness in the first place.  
  
~Two weeks later~  
  
Jen stood in her quarters. She had been pleasantly surprised at her appearance in the dress. It looked much better then she thought. Jen looked much thinner then she expected.  
  
Even in her matching platform shoes she looked short, that was probably because she was short. She was only 5 foot 2. The platforms gave her a few more inches, but it looked a little different compared to Rimmer, he was quite tall.  
  
Jen had pulled her hair in a nice elegant bun that had taken forever for her to do, Jen was terrible at doing her own hair. It seemed like the bun was only staying in because of sheer luck.  
  
There was a knock at the door. Jen smiled. "Come in."  
  
"Open." In the doorway stood Arnold Rimmer. In his hand he held a red rose. He was dressed in a black tux. Jen had to admit he looked very handsome.  
  
  
  
At the sight of Jen his eyes widened. "Jennifer… you look… great!" He managed to say.  
  
"Thank you. So do you!" She answered.  
  
Rimmer handed the her the rose. Jen took it and put it up to her nose. She smelled its sweet aroma. "Thank you." She help the rose close to her body in her left hand, and took Rimmer's hand with her right and they walked off towards the turbo lift together.  
  
  
  
A/N: Review review review! (please? *sad puppy dog eyes*) 


	4. How?

It was quite obvious that Jen was quite out of place at the captain's table. All the cigar and cigarette smoke was making her eyes water. All the other women were dressed more formally then her, but she still managed to smile when Rimmer looked her way (which was often, because he was right across from her)  
  
Jen sat there and politely listened to the jokes and stories told by the senior officers, although none of them were even remotely interesting.  
  
Jen didn't want to tell Rimmer how out of place she felt. The truth was, she felt out of place everywhere accept in her quarters alone. Rimmer was smiling and seemed to be enjoying himself. Spontaneously, Rimmer began to tell a joke. Jen could tell he was nervous, so she gave him a reassuring smile. She was surprised at how much she was smiling, even if a lot of them were fake. She normally didn't smile this much in an entire year. Rimmer began to turn a shade of pink. He stopped in the middle of the sentence. There was a long silence. Suddenly Jen became concerned. The entire room was silent. Rimmer was just sitting there still as stone. "I'm sorry, that's all I can remember." He said sadly.  
  
Slowly conversation began again. "Are you okay?" whispered Jen, sympathetically. She really was concerned. Rimmer pretty much just made a fool of himself in front of all the senior officers, and even the captain.  
  
Rimmer sighed. "fine". Jen could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't fine, but couldn't think of anything to say to him. It was another one of those times where Jen was just taken away by him, and couldn't speak. The moments came spontaneously whenever she was with him. Her feelings became uncontrollable. Sometimes it worked out good, sometimes bad.  
  
Jen had only had this feeling for someone once in her life. It had turned out horrible and life scaring. She could still remember him. She had trusted him. She had given him so much of her soul only to have it crushed. Jen was never really the same after. She became very shy around everyone, and often scared of people. She had once been scared of a five year old boy.  
  
Jen wasn't as bad now as she was before, but it still scared her. She had never told anyone the truth. She had told people the scars were her doing by mistake. People thought she wanted to commit suicide. They were wrong, but it hadn't sounded like a bad idea at the time.  
  
Jen wasn't comfortable with this feeling anymore. She kept trying to refuse to buy into it, but that only made it stronger.  
  
Jen was scared of her own emotions. The very same emotion had lead her to making the mistake she made before. She couldn't let it happen again.  
  
The first dish was served. It was soup. Jen took a spoonful and immediately put it back down. The soup was disgusting! It was cold, it was lumpy, and it tasted horrible.  
  
"Excuse me! My soup is cold!" Shouted Rimmer.  
  
Jen's eyebrows raised "Arnold, no!" She whispered.  
  
Rimmer didn't hear. People began to laugh. Rimmer began to laugh, too. Obviously he didn't realize it was meant to be served cold. 'oh great' she thought to herself. "Arnold!" She whispered again, a bit louder.  
  
"I've got em' this time. What is it?" said Rimmer to Jen.  
  
"Arnold. I hate to break it to you, but its supposed to be cold." She said. She said it as sensitive as she could, so it wouldn't make him feel worse, but she must have failed because now his cheeks were burning. He sunk down in his chair. He looked like he was going to be sick.  
  
The chef returned after heating Rimmer's soup. Rimmer took the bowl. Jen noticed tears in his eyes, fighting to reveal themselves. She wanted to make him feel better. She wanted to leave this stupid captain's table, and give him a hug and tell him things would be ok, but she couldn't do that. That would be letting her new emotion take over her. The one that had broken her down, and smashed her self confidence. Given her fear and sorrow.  
  
No one talked to either of them. They were two miserable people slumped in their chairs completely surrounded by happy people who were enjoying themselves.  
  
They sat in silence for the rest of the meal, and left once everything died down. It was late and just about everyone was in bed. Jen and Rimmer walked in silence. "Jennifer, I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?" she asked.  
  
"You had a miserable time." He said. Well, in a way he was right, but it wasn't that bad. Jen enjoyed being with Rimmer. Even with what had happened, it could have turned out worse if she were alone. "Don't worry about it, Arnold." She said, and began to smile. they reached the door to Jen's quarters. "well, goodnight. I am really glad you came with me tonight. Thank you." Said Rimmer. He was still pretty down, but managed a slight smile.  
  
"Goodnight Arnold." She said. She wanted to smile, she wanted to do so much more, but she found herself just slamming the door. She threw off the shoes that had been killing her feet all night and began to cry. She could still remember the night it had happened. She could have done something to have prevented it. She should have told someone after the fact. She never did. No body would have understood. They would have told her the same thing that she believed inside. It was her own fault. Jen pulled out her diary.  
  
***Entry in the diary of Jen Moore***  
  
I have just returned from dinner at the captain's table with Arnold. I felt so out of place there. I am scared. I am having that feeling. I can't control it. I am scared it will happen. I will put my trust in someone's hand, and everything will go wrong. I never thought it could happen before, but it still did.  
  
I can't let myself feel this way about Arnold, but the more I think that way the stronger it gets. What am I supposed to do? Give in to love, or fight it. Oh My god, what am I saying? Fight true love? I can tell I am in love with Arnold. He is the only one in this universe that makes me feel like a person. I can't fight this. It's worth it, even if something does happen.  
  
  
  
Jen closed her Diary. She slipped into bed and turned the lights on. She just lied there awake remembering that night.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
" we're all alone. Empty place. Lets do it."  
  
"No, I'm not ready."  
  
"Did you just say no to me?"  
  
]en had never heard Nick talk like that. He had always been very respectful and sweet.  
  
"Nick…"  
  
"Maybe you aren't listening to me, Bitch."  
  
Jen knew at that moment this wasn't right. There was still time to run.  
  
Nick drew a knife from his pocket. He held it inches away from her face. "You heard me."  
  
Jen was still. The next thing she knew she was being pinned down and her cloths were being pulled off. She began to scream, and as she did, she could feel the blade of his knife cut across her face. Blood poured down her face, as something was stuffed into her mouth. "I'll cut you much worse if you don't hold still."  
  
~~~  
  
Jen could still remember how terrified she had been. He had cut her deep. The memory of what happened next was so painful to her. Jen rubbed her finger over the spot on her cheek and hands that had been cut. There was still small indentations there. Everyone thought she was suicidal. Jen had never told the truth. She saw many therapists, but never told them anything. No one knew what had really happened.  
  
She didn't know Rimmer very well yet. She hoped that he would never do anything like this to her, but there was no way of knowing.  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
Jen was much quieter the next day. She was very uneasy. It was hard for her to focus on anything. The moments that haunted her for the last 7 years played back in her head like it was yesterday. Confronting her emotions about Rimmer had just reminded her so much of what had happened.  
  
"Jennifer!"  
  
"huh?"  
  
"I said your name five times! Can you please pass me a 34 B?"  
  
"Oh, sorry" She handed Rimmer the wrench.  
  
"That's not a 34 B, it's a 34 C! This is a 34 B." Rimmer held up a tool that looked exactly the same.  
  
"sorry" Emotion was drained from Jen's voice.  
  
"Jennifer, what's the matter?" He asked.  
  
Jen couldn't answer. She just couldn't explain it to him. Jen wiped her eyes, and realized there were tears in the, She began to whimper a little bit, and she literally fell to the floor.  
  
Rimmer looked astonished. He kneeled down to make sure she was ok.  
  
Jen wasn't hurt, but she just wasn't herself. She couldn't handle her feelings. Rimmer helped her up. He looked really concerned and confused. Jen too a deep breath. "I… I'm sorry. You'll have to excuse me." Jen hid her face in her hands and rushed back to her quarters. When she was there she locked the door and began to hit herself. Rimmer would never ever like her now. He must have thought she was trying to get away from him. That wasn't true. The only place she really wanted to be was with him, but she had freaked out. She had gotten really scared and couldn't handle it. Being around him only made it worse. "I hope he understands" She mumbled.  
  
Jen knew she shouldn't have left work. She had only been there an hour. It was useless. This was nit the right place to search for a life. There was nothing to find in this place. Well, that wasn't true, she had found love. Love that threatened to tear the rest of her world apart.  
  
  
  
***Entry in the diary of Jen Moore***  
  
I have to leave here. Next stop I have to get off this ship. I need to tell him. I need to make this happen. I owe it to myself to make this happen. I have to face my fears. I need to tell him… but how? 


	5. Stasis Leek

A/N: Ok, I know that I am totally going out of order now,. Because the episode stasis leek happened 3 weeks before the radiation leek, but the gazpacho soup incident just happened. Its just going to have to be like that, because I can't stuff years into one episode, ok? Lets just say the gazpacho soup incident happened later, ok?  
  
  
  
Jen wanted to run into Rimmer that morning. She had to apologize for the previous day where she had run away. She hoped she would not get into trouble for that. If Rimmer told the captain she could lose that job. She did not see him at all. She walked into her work, expecting to work with him again, today. She checked the list. Her heart was almost broken. Rimmer must have hated her, now! She was with someone else today. She was with Dave Lister today. Someone else was with Rimmer. Jen sighed. She kind of figured this would happen.  
  
Jen silently walked along with Lister. He didn't get very much work done. He seemed pretty friendly, but Jen couldn't return any of that friendliness. She just couldn't get herself to smile today.  
  
"Jennifer, I can tell when someone is upset. Why don't you tell me what's bothering you…" Said Lister, with his stupid optimistic grin.  
  
"I'm sorry. Guess I'm just not having an easy time here on this ship. I've only been her a few weeks."  
  
"It's never easy to get used to this place. I had a hard time too, but its better then where I used to live." Said Dave.  
  
"Where did you used to live?" Jen asked him.  
  
"In a luggage locker."  
  
"What? No way!"  
  
"Ya', I had to scrunch me body up really tight to fit inside."  
  
"whoa!" Jen realized she was smiling. Jen wondered how Dave had gotten her to smile. The only one who could was Arnold.  
  
"So Jennifer, why were you with that smeg head, Rimmer so much?"  
  
"Smeg head?"  
  
"Yeah, you know-"  
  
"Yeah, I know what it means."  
  
"so, why were you?"  
  
"he's nice to me."  
  
"Nice? Rimmer is never nice to anybody! The little smeg head only cares about himself."  
  
Jen couldn't answer, She couldn't stick up for him very well, but she did not want to get into an argument with Lister. She hated hearing the man she loved be insulted like that.  
  
The rest of the day, Jen and Lister pretty much worked in silence. They really couldn't agree on much.  
  
  
  
***Entry in the diary of Jen Moore***  
  
He hates me. He didn't choose me to work with him today. I have to go and apologize to him today. I am going to go to his quarters and apologize or this will never work, ever.  
  
  
  
Jen walked down the halls to Rimmer's quarters. She wasn't certain it was his. Shyly, she knocked on the door. "open" The door opened and Rimmer and Lister were both in the room, laying on their bunks.  
  
"Can I talk to you, Arnold?"  
  
Rimmer got down from his bunk. "ok" he closed the door and they both stood in the hall.  
  
"Arnold. I'm sorry. I just wasn't me yesterday, it wasn't you or anything. I was just having a bad day."  
  
Rimmer paused for awhile. Jen was about to sadly turn and walk away when he said. "That's alright. I forgive you."  
  
Jen smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Jen walked back to her room. There weren't many people in this hallway. She walked into her empty quarters. She lay on her bed.  
  
"I'm coming out in a moment, and I don't want you to panic."  
  
Jen's eyebrows widened. "Arnold? Where are you?"  
  
Arnold's head popped out of the coffee table. He had an 'H' on his fore head. Jen gasped. "You're a hologram? What happened? I was just speaking to you!"  
  
"I'm from the future. There's a stasis leek on floor 16. I need you're help."  
  
"the future? Do they eventually invent a time machine?"  
  
"I'm not sure. Please listen to me. This may come to you as a bit of a shock, but there is going to be a radiation leek that wipes out the crew."  
  
Jen's mouth hung open. "Wipes out…?" She said with fear.  
  
Rimmer stopped for a few seconds afraid he had scared her. "… Jennifer, please. You have to do me this favor… and yourself."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Just listen! The only one who survives is Lister. He is put in stasis for smuggling a cat onboard."  
  
"But Lister isn't in stasis."  
  
Rimmer looked at his hologramatic watch. "He will be very very soon… Well anyway, moments before the accident I was standing by the stasis pod, combing my hair. If you could just get me into stasis, and you, we would be saved. We would be alive instead of me being here alone with Lister… Dead."  
  
This was so overwhelming to Jen. "You… you can't be serious!"  
  
Rimmer shook his head sadly. "I am. Everyone on this ship will be dead within 3 weeks."  
  
Jen began to cry. How could that happen? How!!!!!  
  
Rimmer looked her in the eye. He looked like he was going to cry himself. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset."  
  
Jen sighed. "It's ok."  
  
Rimmer looked around. "I had better go. I don't know how long this stasis leek will last. I don't want to get trapped. Jennifer… please think about it."  
  
"Wait!" Rimmer looked up. "How come you are telling me, and not someone else."  
  
Rimmer froze for a moment, "there is a good reason for that… But I couldn't explain, I must be going!" Rimmer rushed off.  
  
  
  
***Entry in the diary of Jen Moore***  
  
This can't be happening!!! A radiation leek? How could this happen? My God! What can I do?? I can die, or I can live… alone with Rimmer… and Lister… Oh, I could avoid Lister.  
  
There is no time for me to escape from here, so I can either die… or live. Was that Arnold hologram even telling me the truth? He must of, he was a hologram!  
  
Maybe this is my destiny. I could be completely alone. No one there to judge me, or hurt me. I could tell him how I felt, and we could be left alone together. If all else failed, I could kill myself. That's always an option. 


	6. Radiation Leek

The news Jen had received really wasn't easy to deal with. She couldn't handle being around people, because she knew they would be dead within 3 weeks. Jen didn't particularly like any of these people (accept the one she planned on saving) but they didn't deserve to die.  
  
Jen couldn't tell anyone because they would think she was a total nut. They probably already did, but there was absolutely no way of proving the information she had received. She wasn't even cirtain it was true, but it wasn't like it would hurt her much if it wasn't. She would be let out of stasis in a few hours and Holly would think she was a total nut.  
  
Part of the information she had received had turned out to be true so far, She went into work the next morning to hear rumors of Lister being in stasis. The story wasn't totally straight, but rumors never were completely true.  
  
Jen wanted to tell Rimmer that day, but couldn't. She was just going to have to do it, not tell anyone but her diary. Jen wasn't sure how she would save him, but she had decided that she had to save him. Jen tried to act happy, and not give herself away, but like always, she was torn apart inside. Jen never seemed to get good news, it was always bad news. Maybe this wasn't the worst news of all.  
  
Jen wondered how long she would be in stasis. All the Rimmer hologram had said was he was from the future. Jen figured it would be around 100 to 200 years. That was a long time, and everyone she knew would be dead, but probably not forgotten yet.  
  
During work, at the sight of people passing her and Rimmer while they were fixing vending machines, just carrying on and living their lives. Jen felt so sad. They would be all dead. Gone. Very soon, too. They didn't know. They didn't have a single clue at all! They were just carrying on, talking about normal things, worrying about little things and not even thinking about death. Maybe it was better that they didn't know. Everyone would be frantic, screaming and crying. Maybe having 3 last normal weeks would be better for them. Jen sighed.  
  
***Entry in the diary of Jen Moore***  
  
Its hard to deal with the fact that thousands of people will die. I just feel sorry for them. So helpless. They can't do anything about it. I wish there was some way of warning them, but I can't tell anyone that I know this. They would never believe me. There is no way to prove it.  
  
I wonder if I should do anything before I go into stasis. Maybe say goodbye to someone. Who is there to say goodbye to? No one liked me accept Rimmer, and he will be there. I think Lister may have liked me a little bit, and he will be there with me.  
  
I have to convince myself there is nothing I could have done. This will happen no matter what. Weather or not I know about it.  
  
  
  
**Two weeks and 6 days later**  
  
It was the final day before the radiation leek. Jen was scared. What if she did not get to him in time? What if he isn't there? She had everything planned out, and her plan failing and her dying would really be a real downer! Jen took a deep breath. She was on the lift. She was surrounded by people. People who were going to die. "Goodbye" She mumbled quiet enough that no one heard.  
  
Jen looked at her watch. It was almost time. Her heard was pounding. The lift door finally opened on the floor Jen wanted. There was no time to lose. She pushed her way out and ran. She knew exactly where the stasis booths were. She had come up here last week just to make sure she knew where to go. She had looked through the window and saw Lister's body frozen in time. She would soon be frozen in time just like him.  
  
There he was, just standing there next to the stasis booth with a comb in his hand. "ARNOLD!!" screamed Jen. She launched herself at him flinging him into the stasis booth and shut the door.  
  
A/N: I know, this chapter was kinda' short. Sorry. 


	7. Clean Slate

A/N: Ok, lots of constructive criticism in those last reviews. Hopefully I'll do better now. Keep it coming, I can take it. Just don't flame me!  
  
~  
  
Jen rubbed her eyes. It felt like she had been asleep, but she had just as much energy as when she stepped in. It took her a few moments to realize where she was, and who was next to her.  
  
"It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis"  
  
Jen realized that she was crushing Rimmer's face into the wall.  
  
"What in the smegging hell?" He mumbled. His mumble was lightly distorted because his lips were in an odd position. Rimmer, without really realizing who it was, pushed her off him. Jen stood up and walked out of the stasis booth. The only sound to be heard was the engine. Other then those, it was very disturbingly quiet.  
  
"Guess he was right." Jen thought aloud.  
  
Rimmer got up. He noticed who was right in front of him. "What in the smegging hell was that all about? Why did you push me into stasis?" Asked Rimmer. If it had been anyone else he may have exploded with rage, but since it was Jen, he only exploded with semi-rage.  
  
Soon Lister joined them and Holly came on the screen.  
  
"Where is everybody, Hol?" asked Lister.  
  
"They're dead, Dave." Holly explained.  
  
This came as a shock to Rimmer and Lister, but Jen had been expecting it.  
  
"Who is?" asked Rimmer. His tone of voice told everyone that he obviously wasn't having a good day, well, at least he wasn't before he was shoved into stasis for 3,000,000 years.  
  
"Everybody is" Holly tried to explain, of course Lister wasn't able to grasp the concept. Jen sighed, and looked up at Rimmer. She wondered if he would rather be dead then here. By the sound of what the hologram said, it wasn't exactly a party the way things were then.  
  
"That doesn't explain why you shoved me into stasis." Said Rimmer. His left leg began to jiggle.  
  
"Would you rather have died?" Jen asked. Rolling her eyes slightly.  
  
Rimmer thought for a moment. "What does that have anything to do with that?" He asked.  
  
"You would have dies if I didn't do that, now if you'll excuse me, I am going to my quarters." Jen walked off. She needed time alone, and here she sure as hell would get a lot of it. It was so strange not seeing people around. Red Dwarf was usually so busy, and now it was so empty and quiet. It just didn't feel right. Jen opened the door to her quarters and laid on her bunk. She wondered if her diary was still in tact. Why wouldn't it be? "Holly!"  
  
Holly appeared. "What is it, then?"  
  
"How long were we in stasis?" she asked.  
  
"Three million years." He said casually.  
  
That surprised Jen. "Three million? Why that many!?" Jen had expected more like 300 or 500, maybe 1000, but she was totally not expecting 3 million!  
  
"Well, there was a radiation leek-"  
  
"Yes, I know that! But why so LONG?"  
  
"I had to wait until the level of radiation went down before I let you out of you would have died."  
  
"Oh. Thanks Hol." Said Jen sadly. Holly left the screen. Jen pulled out her diary. It seemed fine.  
  
  
  
***Entry in the diary of Jen Moore***  
  
My god, I am 3 million years in the future. My God! I didn't expect it to be that long! Arnold wasn't exactly happy with me when I shoved him into stasis and crushed his face into the wall. This just doesn't feel right. Feels like I shouldn't be here at all. I'm not exactly sure why I am. The hologramatic Arnold asked me to save him. Why me? Wasn't there someone else Arnold would rather want saving him? I just need to relax and accept this. Is this better than death? I haven't decided yet. Nothing has happened. I just don't like how quiet it is here now.  
  
  
  
~~  
  
Lister and Rimmer both walked down the hallway their quarters. They heard the sound of another person, but figured it was Jen. They both turned a corner to find someone they had never seen before. He was tall and dark with fangs, and he was wearing a really nice suit. Both Rimmer and Lister were quite shocked.  
  
"Uh oh! Better make myself look big." Said the creature while he raised his arms above his head. Both Rimmer and Lister dashed away.  
  
~~  
  
Jen searched through the pages of her diaries. She wrote almost every day since she was eight. She had a lot of diaries, and they were all with her. She skimmed through each one going over her bad memories. People had been pretty cruel to her over the years. Even as early as third grade. She was made fun of a lot in school. Jen read through her early entries and finally realized something. She didn't have to listen to all the people who put her down. Every time someone had put her down she had believed them. She had let each and every put down affect her life in a much bigger way then it should have. That was probably why people had done those things to her; she was such an easy target.  
  
Jen suddenly got extremely frustrated. If she had just put those things behind her and moved on she really could have succeeded. She could have made friends. She could have been stronger. Instead, she just racked them in her brain and thought of them whenever she tried to do something for herself. Jen never could forget those hateful words. It had to be some sort of personality flaw. "Other people can function and survive in this world, why can't I?" Jen thought aloud. Tears dripped from her eyes as she thought of all she could have been.  
  
For Pete's sake! Jen was afraid of her own goddamn shadow! She never realized how much other people had affected her. She was mad. They had kept her back! Suddenly Jen got a wave of rage. Without even completely realizing the consequences, she was throwing her diaries against the wall and ripping them up. She ran around her quarters breaking everything breakable, throwing things down and screaming. She was acting like a little kid in time out.  
  
Jen lay down on her bunk breathing hard. She looked around and observed all the damage she had just done. She got up and walked to the other side of the room. She picked up all the ripped diary pages. "That's 16 years of memories shredded up." She thought aloud. Jen needed a clean slate. It was time to let go of the past. She had to get rid of all of this. Flush it out into space where it could float aimlessly until it rotted.  
  
Jen threw all her diaries, ripped or otherwise into the waste bin. She had one blank one with her. That was the only one she didn't get rid of. From now on she had to be strong. She was now given another chance, a clean slate and she had to take advantage of it, and be the kind of person she always wanted to be.  
  
  
  
There was a knock at the door. "Open" It was Rimmer. Jen took a deep breath. This seemed like a good time to start being the person she wanted to be, not the one people expected her to be.  
  
"What happened in here?" He asked, referring to the huge mess Jen had made.  
  
"I'm just kind of Pissed." She replied, without making eye contact.  
  
"Pissed? You don't sound Pissed."  
  
"Oh, I meant it in the American sense, you know, angry." She explained.  
  
Rimmer nodded. "At what?" His nostrils flared as he said it.  
  
"Everything. Sixteen damn years of memories I should have let go of ages ago!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Rimmer nodded again. He was suddenly nervous around her. She seemed very angry. What if he was the source of all her frustration? What if she had realized what a smeg head he was? Had she been talking to Lister?  
  
Even through his panic, Rimmer could remember the question he had come to ask her. "Jennifer, I just have to ask you. How did you know the exact moment of the radiation leek?"  
  
"Long story." She mumbled.  
  
  
  
Jen really didn't want to tell him how the whole thing had happened. It could make him feel very guilty, and Jen didn't want that. Also, it would probably cause a long discussion that she just didn't have the energy for right now. "Maybe I'll tell you later, right now I want to get to bed. Good night, Arnold." She said.  
  
"Um... Good night."  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Ok people who like to give flamers and constructive criticism, was that any better? 


End file.
